These memes will be relatable to anyone who knows what marriage is like.
We all know marriage isn't easy. It's a give and take, sacrifices and compromises, blah blah blah. We can wax on poetically about how profound a union between two people who are committed to loving each other until the day they die, but, like everything, tediousness sinks in. The mundane sinks in. The shallowest of shallow feelings always do us in and the little things that our significant other does on a daily basis really, really get to us.
These tweets encapsulate all of that.
Gotta be fair.
We just measured our bed at 10pm to make sure we were both sleeping on equal sides of the bed. #marriage
— We Were On A Break! (@TeachPrayLovee) February 22, 2018These are pretty much weekly disagreements:
Me: I should calmly explain to him what's bothering me.
Inner me: Tell him goodnight at 5pm. pic.twitter.com/gMMsHx8GKq
— Kermit (@InnerKermit) November 17, 2016It's about making each other better, unless that involved sugar cravings.
In case you're wondering what marriage is like, my husband and I just fought over the fact that he wouldn't tell me where he hid the candy I asked him to hide from me.
— Lindsey Silver (@EvenTheDogsABoy) February 23, 2018When you know what the other person is going to say before they say it.
You: *opens mouth to say something
Me: "Shh, baby, I really don't feel like arguing right now."
-marriage
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) March 20, 2016Fine, stay there.
Marriage status: My wife refused to move, so I made the bed over the top of her. pic.twitter.com/DPEz9buSPi
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 11, 2017Sometimes the conversations are riveting.
ME: I bought you some new undershirts.
HIM: [genuinely] That's exciting.
NARRATOR: Marriage.
ESP
You know you've been married a while when you can correctly answer "What's that one person's name in that movie about the thing?"
— Zackadaisical (@Mr_Kapowski) November 4, 2016Pretty much everything is annoying.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
*husband snores*
Me: "I can't live like this."
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016You tend to be desensitized to a lot of things.
#marriageislike being okay with using the bathroom to pee right after your s/o just pooped.
— nee (@lxn92) January 20, 2017Remember not to take each other for granted.
[leaving for work]
*gives wife a quick kiss*
*spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*
I thought this was just me!
I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.
Current count:23
— mama77⚽️ (@deegeemindi) April 13, 2017Well, do we?!
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
— brent (@murrman5) October 24, 2017Ovens can be confusing.
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That's the clock
me
wife
me: 535
No need to live like monks, right?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
It's those little wins.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017Night out? Nah.
Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.
Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.
Me: We’re skipping both, right?
Wife: Obviously.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2017This is the true endless battle of the modern marriage.
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017Separate blankets help...
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017Every. Single. Time.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017You'll never win.
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
-marriage
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017Come on, we all know better.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 17, 2017You just know when you've found the one.
The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) June 24, 2017True story.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017How'd she know?!
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
"Pick that up."
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 2, 2017I just think it's funny how...
Only marriage can turn a missing spatula into an act of war.
— Jersey (@better_off_dad) October 15, 2017I love them but they can't be trusted!
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they'll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we're sleeping in shifts from now on
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) October 28, 2017I was in a rush, ok?!
A haiku for my husband...
Your whiskers are black
The porcelain sink is white
Are you fucking blind?
De-nied.
Me: I'm gonna take a shower.
Husband, raising eyebrows suggestively: Need any help?
Me: Yeah, keep the kids busy.
Cue anxiety.
I'm never more nervous than when I insist we're out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2017Yay! I'm so happy you're home...
My husband surprised me by taking today off. Now I have to pretend like I do dishes and laundry and shit while he's working. My Friday is ruined.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) November 17, 2017Seriously, don't complain about that.
My wife combined so many coupons the grocery store actually paid her.
She's been talking about it for 20 minutes.
This is her Super Bowl.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2017You can never admit to it.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 5, 2017Pretend you didn't hear her dude.
"You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee," I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017Technically she's right.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
— Stacey (@skittle624) November 2, 2017Sound logic.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) October 21, 2017Thanks...?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
It's too late.
I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017You said you wanted to share fries!
Husband: *choking on a curly fry*
Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017Audibly sigh when you hit pause, even if it is a risky move.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017You got her doing it now!
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017You're not wrong.
Me: the book is so much better
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes
Dead man walking.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Yippee!
Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 10, 2017Oh, it is.
Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 17, 2017Please show some sympathy.
wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now
Every time!
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017Fair is fair.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
— tragic ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 28, 2017It's constructive criticism!
Husband: you walk really loud.
Anyway, marriage is fun.
— Wendy (@_wendyb07) June 29, 2017Well, she does.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 5, 2017The secret's out.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017This is mahogany we're talking about.
My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017The true test of character.
Don't marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.
— Jay (@theshamingofjay) May 9, 2017Can't help that you have good choice in creams.
Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?
Marriage is bliss, that is if you learn to love the little things by poking fun of your squabbles on social media.
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